I just finished reading
Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids
by Kim John Payne. It is good enough that I am going to ask my very
busy husband to read it. I would recommend it to current parents and
ideally have both parents read it so you can discuss it and get on the
same page. One thing that I really appreciate about this book is that
Dr. Payne makes it clear which ideas are appropriate for which age
groups and generally addresses each idea throughougly across the
spectrum of ages. I actually wish I had read the book before my son was
walking and talking (and I was laying the foundations of our
communication and routines), so for pregnant moms-to-be, I think it
would be useful and a refreshing change of pace from the normal
parenting preparation bibliography.
In the book, Payne
describes both the conceptual framework and nitty gritty ideas for how
to bring more simplicity into our children's lives, and as a result into
our lives as well. Drawing from his experience in counseling and
training as a Waldorf teacher, Payne presents vignettes from his clients
(families with kids from toddlers through teenagers) and cites relevant
research to paint a clear picture of the role of simplicity in child
development and behavior. He explains both theories of why and examples
of how children and their parents are affected by a lack of simplicity
and how simplifying can change how children behave, develop, and form
relationships.
The book focuses on four facets of life
that can be viewed through a simplifying lens: environment, rhythm,
schedules, and filtering out the adult world. Some of the questions he
ends up addressing are ones I had often considered myself: How would my
son behave differently if he had drastically fewer toys and less clutter
in his visual space? If it has been mostly too hard to establish a
rhythm of daily and weekly routines, should I keep trying and how can I
do it? Why should I be wary of filling my child's days with classes and
other scheduled activities? Is my son experiencing information
overload? Payne ultimately discusses these ideas in much more detail,
exploring the effects of screen time, advertising, choice overload,
talking less while saying more, the role of unstructured time, simple
ways to start increasing family connections, what kinds of toys may be
helpful versus harmful, and generally how to start small and build up
from there. On that last point, he has worked with families that are so
busy and overloaded with parental committments that I can scarcely
imagine their struggle and has had success with many of them, so I think
the success of these techniques has more to do with being motivated and
open-minded than with having a lot of time to devote to an overhaul.
In
the last week, I have done a lot of ruminating on simplifying, and
actually made the time to take action in the "environment" arena. One
morning while my son was at preschool, I bagged up half of his toys (the
ones he used the least or bothered me the most) and stashed them. Many
things are already flagged to be given away, and others are in a big
maybe pile, but they are out of sight and out of mind. And it had an
amazing and immediate effect on both my mood and on my son. He now
spends more time playing with each toy and is more willing to clean up.
And he doesn't seem to have noticed that many toys went missing. I've
also noticed I am spending way less time cleaning, so even in terms of
time this change has already paid for itself. Really, this is an easy
intervention to try out! (And it's reversible--in fact, Payne talks
about creating a "lending library" from which toys can be borrowed or
rotated.)
Next on my simplifying action plan is to
think about shoring up our routines as a family. We've made a lot of
progress on this in recent weeks, and I've seen how much easier my
parenting job has gotten in the activities that involve routines. When
the little guy knows that it is time to brush his teeth, and believes
that is just part of what we do before bed, there are a lot fewer
discussions--he is starting to become compliant without any discussion
at all. (Amazing!) In addition to starting and sticking to these kinds
of basic routines, I plan to follow the lead of several friends and to
make an activity chart that my son can participate in. It will have a
set of pictographs showing our daily activities (eat breakfast, brush
teeth, wash hands, clean up toys, take a bath, etc.) that can be ordered
and then moved from a "need to do" column into a "done" column. I
think it will help keep both of us on track!
The last
big part of my plan is more ongoing--changing the way I talk to and
around my son. When a parent says too much, how can he or she listen?
And how can it leave room for the child to make up his own mind? When a
parent overexplains, what does a child really hear? I expect this will
be difficult and require a lot of slowing down my thinking and
speaking, but I can see where it would improve my relationships with
everyone, and not just my son.
The only downside to
this book is that I often found the descriptions of the big picture to
be far too long. But perhaps this is because I was already on board
with most of the concepts and didn't need written persuasion. For a
parent who is feeling a bit skeptical or resistant, maybe it is
necessary. Even so, there are some gems buried in that prose that seem
to crystallize the take-home messages so well that I think it is worth
reading the entire book and not skipping around. I might even read the
book again and write them down to create a poster of the most motivating
ones.
